Christmas Gear Wish-List

[David Kirkdorffer <DKirkdorffer@exapps.com>]

Knowing what a bunch of gear-heads we sometimes have been, I thought you
may be interested in these brand new effects.   

Enjoy!

David Kirkdorffer
UNDO


        NEW AND IMPROVED EFFECTS PEDALS FOR MUSICIANS

Cry-Baby Wah-Wah: 
Makes the guitar truly sound like its master.

Choruckus: 
Thickens sounds by adding successive layers of hiss and noise.

Ring Modulator: 
Subtly converts wedding-rings into pinky-rings when in presence of sexy
audience members.

Trouble-O: 
Changes the relative volume your instrument so that you can't hear it
clearly anymore.

De-esser: 
Gives vintage down-trodden slave effect.

Bottle-neck slide: 
Gives one the ability to play instrument while drinking beer,
emphasizing "pro" capabilities. 

Echo: 
Takes mundane lyrics and turns them into a Greek tragedy.

Nose-gate: 
Safety-device to keep fans from getting too close to your stage effects.

Flannel-ger: 
Makes instruments sound like 1992-1994.

Hammy-bar: 
Used to help guitarists make difficult transition from success to
superstardom.

Slap-back delay: 
Adds/subtracts time needed to yield a complimentary phase.

Reverboration: 
Ominizes weak vocals.

Pop-garde: 
New effect that turns simple little ditties into critically acclaimed
hymns-for-a-generation.

Dilettante-Delay:
Tricks audience from seeing though inadequate musicianship by adding
sheen to musician's sound.

Grand Funk Equalizer: 
Makes everyone sound like an American Band.


        And here are a few from another list I was sent...

Time distortion: Makes guitar solos seem longer. Can also be achieved by
ineptitude.

Blame shifter: Shifts the pitch of mistakes down one octave so that the
audience thinks it was the bass player.

Depander: Filters out popular cover songs.

Overjive: Makes Hootie songs sound like Parliament.

Active pickups: Amplifies "signals" sent to attractive audience members.

Fluff box: Filters out excessive musical substance.

Rehash: Stores and plays back your favorite riffs constantly and
forever.

Feedback Eliminator: Drowns out "constructive criticism."

Band Pass Filter: Eliminates sexual advances between band members.

Depressor: Changes any chord to E minor.

Paralytic Equalizer: Makes you as good as other guitarists by injecting
them with nerve toxins.

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