Re: away with mirrors (was: Re: some thoughts on Ted's queeries about art and self esteem and, oh yeah, looping)

[ArsOcarina@aol.com]

Hi,

In a message dated 11/20/04 6:28:11, psychle62@yahoo.com writes:

> When I used to play out a lot, it was the hardest
> thing for me to accept praise. After a performance,
> I'd be self-critically musing about ways I'd screwed
> up, and when an audience member would approach 
> me to say they'd enjoyed the show, I'd point out the 
> flaws. . . .

{snip}

> . . . I made a conscious effort to be a bit
> more gracious in accepting the kudos, while still
> being self-aware of the areas in which I needed
> improvement. This made a world of difference. 
> A simple 'thank you' worked much better than a 
> discourse on the importance of reliable patch cords

This is a problem I still struggle with a bit. To audience
members who are strangers it's easier to just smile and
nod and say thanks and let the subject drop. But with 
friends and colleagues (particularly other musicians) 
it's hard not to admit seeing all of the problems/flaws 
that you assume were just as clearly evident to them. 

It's even worse if they're close friends . . . 'cuz then
one's mind invariably plays the trick of coming up with 
the notion that these friends' compliments and praise 
are meant to be "encouragement" after a particularly
BAD performance. My mind always says: "OH NO! IT 
MUST'VE BEEN EVEN WORSE THAN I THOUGHT IF 
SO-AND-SO IS TRYING SO HARD TO BE ENCOURAGING. 
GOSH! NOW I REALLY FEEL LIKE SHITE!" Heheh. 

You can't win. I think I've gotten a little better at hiding 
my disappointment and self-inflicted shame over the 
years. Obviously, 'cuz I continue to perform. But, it's never 
gone totally away. On the nights when you were really
hoping to "soar" and subsequently realize that not only 
did you fail to leave the ground but you never actually
left the hanger -- it's not hard to be disappointed.

I have been aware of Kenny Werner's book for some 
years now. Maybe it's time to pick up a copy -- even
though I find the more new-agey aspects of it's premise 
(from lengthy excerpts I've read) to be faintly ridiculous 
at best . . . to intellectually repellent at worst. I'm willing
to try anything.

Best regards,

tEd ® kiLLiAn

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