Support
Looper's Delight
|
Support |
|
|
Bravo, Rick. Thank you for this post ! On Jan 8, 2012, at 2:40 PM, Rick Walker wrote: > On 7/22/64 11:59 AM, BC wrote: >> .......so now I record everything, and the next morning I >> listen to it again. That's when I have a clear idea of whether what I >> played >> the night before is good, or whether it's a "What on earth was I >> thinking?" >> moment. >> >> In the creative process, there's nothing like walking away completely >> and >> then coming back when it comes to gaining perspective. > I'm glad you mentioned this, Brian. > > It reminded me that years ago in the band Tao Chemical, we had > musicians (including myself) who suffered > from a fascistic self critical element in their personalities. > > We would be really emotional after a gig, especially if there were > fuckups (and we were rehearsing > 5 nights a week, religiously without cease so we were really, really > tight and really, really critical) and arguments > and fights would break out if we talked about things in the heat of the > critical moment. > > It just kept happening and it was really, really unpleasant. > > Finally in the band, we instituted a rule that stated simply: > > "You cannot discuss and critique the night's gig until the next day." > > This really worked for us and for the most part I've tried to remember > it (even with regards > to myself doing a solo show) ever since. > > **************************** > > About liking and disliking one's music, I do also have to say that a > couple of things have helped me with my > own extremely self critical attitude towards my playing and the constant > unhappiness I experienced > at one point. > > 1) I just kept noticing that the audience's perceptions were so vastly > different than my own. > > Frequently, things that I thought were disastrous would be viewed by > audience members > as being really excellent. I even began to see that audience members > would actually root for me > if I had technical failures, especially if I didn't visibly freak out on > stage when one was happening > (lol, which just has happened very frequently all of my performing life > with electronics). > > I then began observing others with an eye towards this phenomenon (the > loop festival has been a godsend > in this observatory regard) and discovered that it seemed to be > universal. > > I noticed that a very large percentage of performers (indeed, a very > large percentage of people in our culture) > have low self esteem and don't really perceive themselves or their > performances objectively. > > As an audience member, I observed that many artists seemed to steal > their own pleasure from their performances > because they were looking at the proceedings with 'shit colored > spectacles', as it were. > > It's much easier said than done to "just take a deep breath, put a > smile on your face and try to have fun." on > stage, but I did see that people who adopted that strategy seemed to > perform better and certainly seemed to be happier. > > Of course, not everyone can escape the confines of their personality. > I certainly couldn't, so, at one point > > 2) I went and did a lot of professional psychological therapy around > how bad I felt about myself. > I learned how the gestalt of my own very unhappy family that I grew up > in had contributed to the way I felt and importantly, > the way I framed the way I felt. > > That therapy changed me and I can honestly say, saved my life. > > In the group I was in for a few years, there were adults of all ages, > so I got to watch people transform their lives > for the better because they did the very hard work and addressed the > issues of their own unhappiness. > > I have to say, everyone that I saw who did the work, got > better........they didn't even necessarily raise their own self esteem > but they all gained valuable tools to help them deal with those feelings > and how to act given that re-framing. > > Through all of this I came to a radical change in the way I view > emotions from the way I viewed them until I > was almost middle aged. > > I came to believe that we are not our emotions, but rather that our > emotions flow through us. > > I began to realize that I might feel devastatingly depressed about a > performance one day and that I might > feel completely and even diametrically different about it the next day > or week. Given that discrepancy > what emotion was I? The answer is I felt one emotion at one point and > another emotion at another point. > > I've come to believe that attaching ourselves to our current emotion, > especially if it is a really unpleasant one > ends up insuring that the emotion will stay around for a long time. > People in recovery call it 'white knuckling'. > I can always tell now when I am stuck emotionally........there is always > that 'white knuckling' > aspect to my unhappiness. I've also learned that I get really > narcissistic, the more miserable I feel. It's really helped > me to identify that..........and to purposefully and even knee jerkedly > try to reach out to other human beings > as a way of breaking my own unhappy cycle. > > I learned that cliched but for me, effective phrase, "This too, soon > shall pass" and it's helped me a lot. > > Do I still want to beat myself up after a particular snafu or unrealized > expectation at a gig..............sure, but > I've learned that I only rob myself of my own pleasure if I hang on to > it for very long. > > For now, I try to breathe deep, be gracious if anyone compliments me > (contradicting my own experiences of the performance) > and to NEVER listen to the recording of the gig for a couple of days > afterwards. > > rick walker > >