Raison d'etre

[ArsOcarina@aol.com]

Hi all!

First off let me wish a happy St. Patrick's Day to everyone! 
I've got me corned beef 'n' cabbage a'boiling on the stove 
fer the day (already) with wee thoughts of Guinness pints 
dancing in me head t'boot. And, in an naif ecumenical 
spirit I am wearin' both the green and the orange. Ahhh, 
pass the Lucky Charms. They're magically delerious. 
Sláinte! [that's Gaelic for "To your health!"]

Now then . . .

Please be patient with me as these spontaneously typed 
sentences loop and circle around the idea that is forming 
in my head. I suppose the direction of my thoughts are 
somewhat in response to Mark Sottilaro's comments 
about "entertaining the audience" and "having fun" . . . 
and possibly (partly) also to do with Andre's wonderful 
new musical posting. 

But . . . then again, it may also have to do with current 
"global" events (feelings of dread and the sense of the 
seeming relentless inevitability of this becoming some 
sort of an "eve of the apocalypse" kind of day are hard to 
escape -- and I am hardly a millennialist, believe you me). 
The news lately (and this morning, especially) is kinda 
scary on a number of levels. All politicians are idiots.

Or . . . it may be merely the thought that I turning 50 pretty 
soon and am feeling pretty run-down, mortal and creatively
spent. All this talk about schlepping gear makes me tired. 
I am wondering why I do it. What is my "raison d'etre" for 
this endeavor in music at all, to be specific?

I submit myself to public performances less and less for 
"fun" and more and more as a kind of trial by fire -- a 
purification ritual, or a medical procedure -- like lancing 
a boil or abscess. And, I do the music that I do privately 
here at home (and semi-privately in the studio) as a kind 
of solitary meditation (or musical "praying in tongues") 
that aspires to the ecstatic but only seldom attains it. 

Forgive my meandering. But, I'm sort of wondering "Why?" 
at the moment. Do I chalk it up to the potency of the 
"creative impulse" or what? Maybe I'm just having one of 
"those days." Maybe I'm just a little tired (for lack of sleep) 
and it has me semi-depressed. Maybe I need shock 
therapy . . . heheh. Maybe I should "lighten up" and just 
enjoy the shear pleasure and supreme blessing of 
making music/art. Maybe. Sounds good.

Anywho, I thought I'd toss the old "Why the heck do we do 
what we do?" thread question out there again. It hasn't 
gone around lately anyway (at least I haven't seen it in 
circulation in a while). Maybe it'll inspire, spark or cheer 
me up. What do you say? Whilst I'm waiting for my St. 
Paddy's Day dinner to cook I've got nothing better to do
than ponder the big questions . . . or maybe a good
looper joke.

Pax,

tEd ® kiLLiAn

ArsOcarina@aol.com
http://www.mp3s.com/tedkillian
http://www.pfmentum.com/flux.html
http://www.mp3.com/Ophelia_Pancake